CELEBRITY BLACKBERRY: BP CEO TONY HAYWARD

–8:00 A.M.:  Wake up from horrible nightmare that world has clean air and blue oceans.

 –9:10 A.M.:  Shower while flushing the toilet repeatedly.

 –10:25 A.M.:  Drive to work in Hummer that runs on baby seal blood.

 –10:30 A.M.:  Hit pothole and spill coffee all over CDs.  Great, now I’ve ruined BILLY Ocean, too!

 –11:40 A.M.:  Un-plan trip to Mardi Gras festivities.

 –12:30 P.M.:  Lunch:   Send back salad and demand that they remove the oil from the vinegar.

 –2:15 P.M.:  Grab a dead, oil-soaked seagull and do hilarious “Donald Duck in blackface” bit.

 –3:50 P.M.:  Start diversifying company.  Announce new moisturizer product:  Gulf Oil of Olay.

 –5:05 P.M.:  Change oil in car.  Pour used oil down storm drain.

 –8:00 P.M.:  Acting classes:  Work on looking like I care.

 –9:55 P.M.:  Log onto underwater spill camera for long hard laugh.

“Centerfold club Jacksonville Florida now hiring 2010 graduating class.”

A strip club in Jacksonville, Florida, posted a sign that says, “Now Hiring The Graduating Class Of 2010.”  The owner thinks it’s funny considering the lack of jobs available for recent graduates.  But some people don’t think it’s funny at all.

–Naturally, there’s an amusing, poorly produced local news report on the story.

http://www.fox5vegas.com/video/23680748/index.html

THERE’S A NEW BARBIE ON THE MARKET, AND SHE’S GOT SOME SERIOUS CLEAVAGE:

There are 12 dolls in the collection, and they’re all dressed in stylish, black cocktail attire.  Which is fine.

–Except one of the dolls . . . the number ten . . . is wearing a dress with a plunging neckline that reveals some serious, bowling-ball cleavage. 

–Anyway, now some parents are upset about the doll.  They say they don’t want their daughters playing with a doll that encourages the fake-breasted stripper look.  Mattel has refused to comment. 

YOU CAN BUY THE HOUSE FROM “THE AMITYVILLE HORROR”

If you’re in the market for some real estate, the house from “The Amityville Horror” is up for sale.  I’m talking about the ACTUAL house, in Amityville, New York, about an hour east of New York City.  Not the one in the movie.

http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/Amityville_NY_11701_1119028614

“GREASE” IS BEING RE-RELEASED IN THEATERS THIS SUMMER . . . IN A SING-ALONG VERSION:

If your idea of fun is sitting in a theater while singing “You’re the One that I Want”, then I have your ticket:  “Grease” is being re-released in theaters in July . . . in a SING-ALONG version.

Right now, it’s only opening in select cities.  But there’s a website where you can DEMAND IT for your town.

http://www.greasemovie.com/

TOP THINGS TO DO WITH THE HOURS OF YOUR LIFE YOU WASTED ON “LOST”

–Prepare a eulogy for Bret Michaels.

–Spend time with your wife and kids.  Or bang your groin with a ball-peen hammer.  Whichever is less painful.

–Find, and kill, the jerks who got you hooked on this mess in the first place.

–Spend more time on Facebook raising your Farmville animals.

–Watch one of Kendra Wilkinson’s 8,516 sex tapes.

–Visit Adam Ant in the psych ward.

–Get your pilot’s license so that YOU can crash and get stranded on a mystical island.

–Get off the weed and just watch “American Idol” like everybody else.

–View a different kind of “lost” . . . watch C-SPAN when John McCain is on.

NIKE RELEASED A COOL WORLD CUP COMMERCIAL:

Nike has a new commercial for the World Cup, with the biggest soccer stars in the world . . . plus Roger Federer, Kobe Bryant, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Homer Simpson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idLG6jh23yE

CHECK OUT SOME PHOTOS OF CRIMINALS SMILING FOR THEIR MUGSHOT PHOTOS:

For some reason, Sunday’s online version of the “Orlando Sentinel” newspaper ran a photo gallery of idiot criminals who are all smiling in their mugshots.

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/os-smiling-mug-shots-20100523,0,5022212.story

Someone Please Tell “BIG SKY” To Change His BIO Picture

My shoes hurt me... By the way ladies. Check out my "Swatch Watch."

TOP FACEBOOK CAMPAIGNS AMERICA REALLY NEEDS

Get Wal-Mart to ban shoppers wearing Spandex.

Give Sarah Palin a one-way ticket back to Wasilla.

Get the Earth to stop leaking oil into the Gulf.

Get the Jonas Brothers laid . . . off . . . from the Disney Channel.

 Make Katy Perry shut up about Proactiv.

 Get Rush Limbaugh to promise to follow through on that move to Costa Rica.

 Name a hot chick to the Supreme Court.

 Convince Lady Gaga to keep her clothes on.

 Get the new Miss USA a headlining spot on “G-String Divas”.

 Make Heidi Montag’s next plastic surgery be a zipper over her mouth.

 Get Betty White the hell out of my sex dreams.

 Get Brooke Hogan the sex change she so desperately needs.

 Secure Sarah Jessica Parker a pole position in the Kentucky Derby.

 Make the ending of “Lost” make sense.

 Get Rob Schneider to agree to never make another movie.

 End Facebook campaigns.