CELEBRITY BLACKBERRY: BP CEO TONY HAYWARD

–8:00 A.M.:  Wake up from horrible nightmare that world has clean air and blue oceans.

 –9:10 A.M.:  Shower while flushing the toilet repeatedly.

 –10:25 A.M.:  Drive to work in Hummer that runs on baby seal blood.

 –10:30 A.M.:  Hit pothole and spill coffee all over CDs.  Great, now I’ve ruined BILLY Ocean, too!

 –11:40 A.M.:  Un-plan trip to Mardi Gras festivities.

 –12:30 P.M.:  Lunch:   Send back salad and demand that they remove the oil from the vinegar.

 –2:15 P.M.:  Grab a dead, oil-soaked seagull and do hilarious “Donald Duck in blackface” bit.

 –3:50 P.M.:  Start diversifying company.  Announce new moisturizer product:  Gulf Oil of Olay.

 –5:05 P.M.:  Change oil in car.  Pour used oil down storm drain.

 –8:00 P.M.:  Acting classes:  Work on looking like I care.

 –9:55 P.M.:  Log onto underwater spill camera for long hard laugh.