–John Madden wants a cuddle buddy.

–He’s reached the NFL’s 30-concussion limit.

–ESPN will give him a live one-hour special to announce it.

–Because option “B” is playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

–If people want to watch a purple dinosaur they’ll tune into Barney.

–NFL uniform policy prohibits wearing pants around the chest.

–His junk, Crocs and webcam are ready for another shoot.

–Odds are against Gatorade making a G-Series with Metamucil.

–He’s ruining his legacy . . . as a Wrangler pitchman.

–Sarah Palin told him it’s just what he has to do.

–Teeth rattling hits tend to bust up even the finest denture wear.

–Hello?  So he can un-retire!  Duh.

 –9:10 A.M.:  Breakfast.  Not Wheaties, that’s only for champions.

 –10:30 A.M.:  Spend hour and a half studying hair.  Three minutes studying playbook.

 –12:15 P.M.:  Wonder why it’s still dark.  Oh yeah, Troy Aikman’s shadow.

 –1:45 P.M.:  Throw out the trash . . . get intercepted by a bum.

 –2:30 P.M.:  Taste Tony Romo wine.  Delightful, full bodied . . . weak finish.

 –3:20 P.M.:  Sit-down with Jerry Jones.  Try to keep straight face when his face pops.

 –4:15 P.M.:  Get tackled by 357-pound defensive end.  Think of Jessica Simpson.

 –5:50 P.M.:  Do what my other teammates are doing after practice:  Kim Kardashian.

 –7:30 P.M.:  Explain to umpteenth Redskin fan I run into that it’s “Romo” with an “R.”

 –10:00 P.M.:  Slide into bed, then into two supermodels . . . thank God one more time I didn’t marry Jessica Simpson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrJQDPpIK6I

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CzZAxj_OEE

–There’s less scoring than at a Trekkie convention.

 –Evidently, there’s a country in Africa called “Ghana”.

 –Of all U.S. sports stars, Landon Donovan’s name sounds the whitest.

 –Luckily, you won’t have to give a crap about it for another four years.

 –The best cure for insomnia is watching Switzerland play Honduras.

 –There are black people who play soccer.

 –North Korea’s plan of only playing Special Olympians backfired.

 –It would get a lot more viewers if they added the “2 Girls” part.

 –Yellow cards are just Post-it notes without the sticky backside.

 –What’s this thing you call a “World Cup”?

http://www2.gibson.com/Products/Acoustic-Instruments/Round-Shoulder/Gibson-Acoustic/Brad-Paisley-J-45.aspx

There are plenty of legitimate reasons why people lose their jobs.  Being TOO HOT isn’t the likeliest of them . . . not by a long shot.  But that’s exactly what 33-year-old Debrahlee Lorenzana of Queens, New York, says happened to her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBuKuA9nHsw

–Don’t lose that graduation tassel.  It will come in handy when you take that gig at the strip club.

–Lose the beer helmet for job interviews.

–Find time to travel to another country.  And then stay there. 

–See that mop and bucket in your school’s supply closet?  Grab it before someone else does.

–Never enter marriage lightly.  Or heavily.  What I’m saying is don’t get married.

–It doesn’t matter what kind of job you get . . . as long as Jay Leno doesn’t want it too.

–Be sure to put your degree to good use.  For instance, skimming the surface of ocean water for oil. 

–Spring for the class ring.  In a few years, you can trade it for a rock.

–Save up for a bus pass.

–Remember, your degree says something about you.  For instance, if it’s from Arizona State, it says you’re a dumbass. 

–Network with alumni.  But get your hand stamped first or they’ll overcharge you at the kegger.

–Ask parents if their basement is still available.

–Take a part-time job that could lead to a full-time job.  For example, it’s common knowledge that washing dishes can lead to a sweet bartending gig.