TOP REASONS BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE

–He’s fallen and can’t get up.

–John Madden wants a cuddle buddy.

–He’s reached the NFL’s 30-concussion limit.

–ESPN will give him a live one-hour special to announce it.

–Because option “B” is playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

–If people want to watch a purple dinosaur they’ll tune into Barney.

–NFL uniform policy prohibits wearing pants around the chest.

–His junk, Crocs and webcam are ready for another shoot.

–Odds are against Gatorade making a G-Series with Metamucil.

–He’s ruining his legacy . . . as a Wrangler pitchman.

–Sarah Palin told him it’s just what he has to do.

–Teeth rattling hits tend to bust up even the finest denture wear.

–Hello?  So he can un-retire!  Duh.

CELEBRITY BLACKBERRY: TONY ROMO

–8:00 A.M.:  Wake up.  Hit alarm clock.  Because it’s not a Dallas Cowboys receiver.

 –9:10 A.M.:  Breakfast.  Not Wheaties, that’s only for champions.

 –10:30 A.M.:  Spend hour and a half studying hair.  Three minutes studying playbook.

 –12:15 P.M.:  Wonder why it’s still dark.  Oh yeah, Troy Aikman’s shadow.

 –1:45 P.M.:  Throw out the trash . . . get intercepted by a bum.

 –2:30 P.M.:  Taste Tony Romo wine.  Delightful, full bodied . . . weak finish.

 –3:20 P.M.:  Sit-down with Jerry Jones.  Try to keep straight face when his face pops.

 –4:15 P.M.:  Get tackled by 357-pound defensive end.  Think of Jessica Simpson.

 –5:50 P.M.:  Do what my other teammates are doing after practice:  Kim Kardashian.

 –7:30 P.M.:  Explain to umpteenth Redskin fan I run into that it’s “Romo” with an “R.”

 –10:00 P.M.:  Slide into bed, then into two supermodels . . . thank God one more time I didn’t marry Jessica Simpson.

Have some fun today….

www.peopleofwalmart.com

JOHN MAYER MADE A VIDEO MOCKING LEBRON JAMES’ SPECIAL:

 (–You can watch the video, here . . .)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CzZAxj_OEE

TOP THINGS WE’VE LEARNED FROM THE WORLD CUP

–Soccer still sucks. 

–There’s less scoring than at a Trekkie convention.

 –Evidently, there’s a country in Africa called “Ghana”.

 –Of all U.S. sports stars, Landon Donovan’s name sounds the whitest.

 –Luckily, you won’t have to give a crap about it for another four years.

 –The best cure for insomnia is watching Switzerland play Honduras.

 –There are black people who play soccer.

 –North Korea’s plan of only playing Special Olympians backfired.

 –It would get a lot more viewers if they added the “2 Girls” part.

 –Yellow cards are just Post-it notes without the sticky backside.

 –What’s this thing you call a “World Cup”?

A WOMAN SAYS SHE WAS FIRED FROM CITIBANK FOR BEING “TOO SEXY”:

You make the call…  HOT or NOT???

There are plenty of legitimate reasons why people lose their jobs.  Being TOO HOT isn’t the likeliest of them . . . not by a long shot.  But that’s exactly what 33-year-old Debrahlee Lorenzana of Queens, New York, says happened to her.

TOP PIECES OF ADVICE FOR COLLEGE GRADUATES

Hey, kids, ready to change the world with your fresh-faced, wide-eyed enthusiasm?  Before you get started, be sure to check out today’s list of the Top Pieces of Advice for College Graduates.

–Don’t lose that graduation tassel.  It will come in handy when you take that gig at the strip club.

–Lose the beer helmet for job interviews.

–Find time to travel to another country.  And then stay there. 

–See that mop and bucket in your school’s supply closet?  Grab it before someone else does.

–Never enter marriage lightly.  Or heavily.  What I’m saying is don’t get married.

–It doesn’t matter what kind of job you get . . . as long as Jay Leno doesn’t want it too.

–Be sure to put your degree to good use.  For instance, skimming the surface of ocean water for oil. 

–Spring for the class ring.  In a few years, you can trade it for a rock.

–Save up for a bus pass.

–Remember, your degree says something about you.  For instance, if it’s from Arizona State, it says you’re a dumbass. 

–Network with alumni.  But get your hand stamped first or they’ll overcharge you at the kegger.

–Ask parents if their basement is still available.

–Take a part-time job that could lead to a full-time job.  For example, it’s common knowledge that washing dishes can lead to a sweet bartending gig.

CELEBRITY BLACKBERRY: BP CEO TONY HAYWARD

–8:00 A.M.:  Wake up from horrible nightmare that world has clean air and blue oceans.

 –9:10 A.M.:  Shower while flushing the toilet repeatedly.

 –10:25 A.M.:  Drive to work in Hummer that runs on baby seal blood.

 –10:30 A.M.:  Hit pothole and spill coffee all over CDs.  Great, now I’ve ruined BILLY Ocean, too!

 –11:40 A.M.:  Un-plan trip to Mardi Gras festivities.

 –12:30 P.M.:  Lunch:   Send back salad and demand that they remove the oil from the vinegar.

 –2:15 P.M.:  Grab a dead, oil-soaked seagull and do hilarious “Donald Duck in blackface” bit.

 –3:50 P.M.:  Start diversifying company.  Announce new moisturizer product:  Gulf Oil of Olay.

 –5:05 P.M.:  Change oil in car.  Pour used oil down storm drain.

 –8:00 P.M.:  Acting classes:  Work on looking like I care.

 –9:55 P.M.:  Log onto underwater spill camera for long hard laugh.

THERE’S A NEW BARBIE ON THE MARKET, AND SHE’S GOT SOME SERIOUS CLEAVAGE:

There are 12 dolls in the collection, and they’re all dressed in stylish, black cocktail attire.  Which is fine.

–Except one of the dolls . . . the number ten . . . is wearing a dress with a plunging neckline that reveals some serious, bowling-ball cleavage. 

–Anyway, now some parents are upset about the doll.  They say they don’t want their daughters playing with a doll that encourages the fake-breasted stripper look.  Mattel has refused to comment. 

YOU CAN BUY THE HOUSE FROM “THE AMITYVILLE HORROR”

If you’re in the market for some real estate, the house from “The Amityville Horror” is up for sale.  I’m talking about the ACTUAL house, in Amityville, New York, about an hour east of New York City.  Not the one in the movie.

http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/Amityville_NY_11701_1119028614