TOP SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD FAIR
–Foghat is opening for Eddie Money, when clearly Eddie Money should be opening for Foghat.
–The guy taking tickets for the Tilt-A-Whirl has more teeth than tattoos.
–You have to pop four whole balloons just to get a System of a Down coke mirror.
–The weight-guesser has to tell you he’s a registered sex offender before you pay him.
–All the cars in the demolition derby are hybrids.
–The spider web above the prize-winning pig has no words in it.
–Two words: no mullets.
–There isn’t a muffin top in sight.
–The only greased up pigs are wearing jean shorts and half shirts.
–There’s a booth where you can meet Casey Anthony.
–REO Speedwagon had to cancel their concert, because they’re too busy operating the rides.
–Every clown is wearing an ankle bracelet.
–The only “blue ribbon” you see there is Pabst.
TOP REASONS BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE
–He’s fallen and can’t get up.
–John Madden wants a cuddle buddy.
–He’s reached the NFL’s 30-concussion limit.
–ESPN will give him a live one-hour special to announce it.
–Because option “B” is playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.
–If people want to watch a purple dinosaur they’ll tune into Barney.
–NFL uniform policy prohibits wearing pants around the chest.
–His junk, Crocs and webcam are ready for another shoot.
–Odds are against Gatorade making a G-Series with Metamucil.
–He’s ruining his legacy . . . as a Wrangler pitchman.
–Sarah Palin told him it’s just what he has to do.
–Teeth rattling hits tend to bust up even the finest denture wear.
–Hello? So he can un-retire! Duh.
CELEBRITY BLACKBERRY: TONY ROMO
–8:00 A.M.: Wake up. Hit alarm clock. Because it’s not a Dallas Cowboys receiver.
–9:10 A.M.: Breakfast. Not Wheaties, that’s only for champions.
–10:30 A.M.: Spend hour and a half studying hair. Three minutes studying playbook.
–12:15 P.M.: Wonder why it’s still dark. Oh yeah, Troy Aikman’s shadow.
–1:45 P.M.: Throw out the trash . . . get intercepted by a bum.
–2:30 P.M.: Taste Tony Romo wine. Delightful, full bodied . . . weak finish.
–3:20 P.M.: Sit-down with Jerry Jones. Try to keep straight face when his face pops.
–4:15 P.M.: Get tackled by 357-pound defensive end. Think of Jessica Simpson.
–5:50 P.M.: Do what my other teammates are doing after practice: Kim Kardashian.
–7:30 P.M.: Explain to umpteenth Redskin fan I run into that it’s “Romo” with an “R.”
–10:00 P.M.: Slide into bed, then into two supermodels . . . thank God one more time I didn’t marry Jessica Simpson.
HERE’S A TRAILER FOR THE NEW “CHRONICLES OF NARNIA” MOVIE
Did you realize they were still making those “Chronicles of Narnia” movies? The third one comes out this December. It’s called “Voyage of the Dawn Treader”. (–Here’s the trailer . . .)
JOHN MAYER MADE A VIDEO MOCKING LEBRON JAMES’ SPECIAL:
(–You can watch the video, here . . .)
TOP THINGS WE’VE LEARNED FROM THE WORLD CUP
–Soccer still sucks.
–There’s less scoring than at a Trekkie convention.
–Evidently, there’s a country in Africa called “Ghana”.
–Of all U.S. sports stars, Landon Donovan’s name sounds the whitest.
–Luckily, you won’t have to give a crap about it for another four years.
–The best cure for insomnia is watching Switzerland play Honduras.
–There are black people who play soccer.
–North Korea’s plan of only playing Special Olympians backfired.
–It would get a lot more viewers if they added the “2 Girls” part.
–Yellow cards are just Post-it notes without the sticky backside.
–What’s this thing you call a “World Cup”?
GIBSON HAS COME OUT WITH A “BRAD PAISLEY MODEL” GUITAR:
–If you’re thinking about buying one, better save up because it’ll run you $5,158. Gibson is showcasing the guitar with a link that has a photo of the “J-45″ . . . plus a video of Brad being a guitar geek and talking endlessly about it. Check it out . . .
A WOMAN SAYS SHE WAS FIRED FROM CITIBANK FOR BEING “TOO SEXY”:
You make the call… HOT or NOT???
There are plenty of legitimate reasons why people lose their jobs. Being TOO HOT isn’t the likeliest of them . . . not by a long shot. But that’s exactly what 33-year-old Debrahlee Lorenzana of Queens, New York, says happened to her.
MCDONALD’S IS RUNNING A PRO-GAY AD IN FRANCE:
McDonald’s is running a pro-gay ad in France that features a closeted teenager, a clueless dad, and the tagline “Come As You Are.”
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